Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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