I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
