I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So here I am, sexting at work.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
