my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
