I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
