i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
