my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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