I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
