Just fell off a train. Bad.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
