dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
