we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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