I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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