david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
