fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
