So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did I show you my penis last night?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
