this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
