im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
