After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
