Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
