Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
