Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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