Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
