If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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