somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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