My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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