so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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