Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
