She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
