He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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