i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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