I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
