Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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