are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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