very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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