He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
