I skipped work to stalk him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
