So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
