So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
