I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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