So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
