My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
