I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Drunk is a universal language darling
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
