Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
