I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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