Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
