Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
