fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
