i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
