If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
