Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
